Im whoever you want me to be today
by alltimeslash1
Summary: murdoc has always had a curiosity about friendship , many would argue he doesn't have the good nature for it , tho even he can admit , this might be a less then appropriate time to explore it ... not that that will stop him.. or mac gets Amnesia..murdoc takes advantage .
1. you knocked the sense right out of me

murdoc knows something is ..off to say the least the moment macgyver reopens his eyes and boiling rage isn't the first emotion to drift to the top, instead he's met with baby blues filled with confusion, caution and buried beneath that a hint of fear , the look throws him , its one macgyver has never given him before , and its defiantly not the one he expected to see plastered on macs face

especially not when not even 2 minutes ago the eyes staring back at him as they'd fought were ones of righteous anger , before murdoc had thrown him back so hard macgyver had quite literally clocked his head on the wall , hard, and slid down it like a sack of potatoes to land in a crumpled heap , in all seriousness it had been an accident , witch , is ironic coming from him he concedes but in this case it's the truth , he has every intent of being the one to end macgyver , but via wall ?

 _Just.._

 _No_

If anything he'd been playing, it's a game just as much as sport when it comes to mac, but what's that they say? Don't mix business with pleasure, perhaps there's something to the little saying after all ..Not that that will stop him from doing what he does

the eyes that look at him now are soft and clear of hate with innocent but wary curiosity , and murdoc can't remember the last time anyone ever looked at him that way , it send a pleasant little shiver down his spine , drags him back to the situation at hand , and again makes him wonder what's going on in the boys head of his

because the look in those eyes , and the reaction it invokes are not things he would have saw coming out of their confrontation , what he expects even less is mac shifting closer slow and cautious from where he kneels , to the place where murdoc himself is crouched , until there in each other's breathing space , and says in a soft voice

"Who-who are you ?"

. **.Oh**...

 _ohhhhh oh myyyy~_

And he'd laugh out loud, at the shear shift this situation has taken, or the inconvenience, because killing macgyver when he wouldn't even understand it, just won't do , and murdoc realizes what ever choice he makes now will decide what happens next for the both of them , the power that gives him sends a tingling rush through him and he asks

"You really know me not dear macgyver ? "

And mac looks back at him, flushes with embarrassed guilt as if he'll greatly offend murdoc if he tells him the truth , instead he answers the question with a question

"mac-macgyver ? Is that my name?" and here the boy pauses still flushed, before adding "and ...I'm sorry I don't -remember you"

murdoc could end it now , drag the boy home , gift wrap him , and leave on the door step for bozer and his precious jack to sort out , and a slight pinch of jealousy at that thought shots unwanted through his skull ,it's what should be done , there fight can't possibly continue , not with this newborn fawn in front of him , but something buzzes in the back of his head , a long forgotten and vindictive whisper of things that he's never really had , an unfulfilled but ravenous curiosity

It grinds at his thoughts as he looks at the now innocent and oblivious creature in front of him, the eyes boring into his own now have shifted , fear and caution giving way to barley restrained desperation , mac knows he knows him now , at the very least , there's hungry need in the swirling blues , and murdocs cold heart could grow 3 sizes at the sight , instead his insidious mind lets darkness swell, pushes his be-stilled beating heart to the side

mac bites his lip, licks them , and murdocs eyes are drawn to the action , its shy and coy.. _its fucking adorable_ , and it makes up his mind even before the question that follows, the question that will lead up to the most controversial thing he's ever done, because yes , he's lied , cheated , murdered and all other unspeakable forms of villainy ,but this he thinks may very well eclipse all of that

His boy hesitates still biting at his lip, before he dares to ask the question murdoc knows has been coming from the moment murdoc confirmed he knew him by name

"Um, im sorry but -who..i mean you know me , but who are you ?"

And murdoc smiles, the most genuine smile to grace his lips in a long time, the boy hesitated ... murdoc doesn't

"Oh macgyver , it's me, jack ".


	2. looking at something changes its state o

the name sparks something , tho it doesn't get the motor running , but it sparks , he can tell the moment it happens by the way mac perks up and his eyes widen and become impossibly more blue , again jealousy rears in him , but murdoc pushes it aside , jacks not here , macgyver is _his_ in this moment

macgyver moves even closer , as if that were possible, his eyes alight and nose almost touching , he's so close murdoc can breathe his air, smell his soft pleasant sent as macs body radiates with new found hope and excitement , and murdoc could pretend the closeness was born of something else , but the boy smiles , says

"Jack. Jack, I know that name, I do I know it!"

And the boy smiles then, big and bright, and to murdoc the sight is _painful_ in its rawness , murdoc can't remember ever having truly smiled like that , nor can he remember a time when such a look was directed at him as the cause , murdoc knows what he looks like when he smiles , knows it starts people at the sight of it , because they get a glimpse of the darkness within him , joy feels like pain and he knows that translates to his face

He doesn't mind it tho , it's worked to his favor all these years , murdoc for all his sadistic humor and love of an audience , can admit freely he has no love for people, at least not in the sense that "normal" people do, he gets fleeting flights of fancy , but there just that ,fleeting , very few have been able to make him feel..anything and hold his attention to point of unending interest , one of those few sits in front of him

And that much is true ,murdoc is truly unrepelled by anything macgyver does, even the blindly trusting being before him drags only insidious curiosity to the forefront of his mind when raw disgust for such blatant weakness should be what rises , it doesn't , witch..was one of his motives for this little game in the first place , the other , is-a little more basic but such an opportunity may not come again

murdoc has always had a curiosity about friendship, mostly because he'd never really had it, he'd scared the children around him when he was young, and adult to when he'd grown old, many would argue he doesn't have the good nature for it, and oh, but there right, tho even he can admit , this might be a less then appropriate time to explore it ... not that that will stop him , a hunger born of curiosity and wanting for something never had, drives him , and from what murdoc hears , macgyver is a good "friend" he's also the only person murdoc could possibly be open to experiment with in this area that doesn't disgust him

On the contrary ,Murdoc has deep and abiding love for angus..or maybe just a deep and abiding desire to see him suffer, the 2 become a muddled line often in his head

When macgyver reaches his hand out tentatively and places it on murdocs own gloved one, it sends a jolt to reach him even through the fabric and drags him hard and fast back to the present, macgyver is looking in his eyes searchingly, and murdoc fears for a moment hell see that same darkness in them, will see it foaming from his mind like a dog from its mouth, but macgyver just looks at him eyes burning with more questions

"Who, what are we to each other? I know , I know you know me , but ..I can't remember what we are , what you are , I- I don't even know what I am , and..and i know that must upset you I'm sorry! "

And at first murdoc can only blink ,only macgyver could get amnesia and be so very different and at the same time exactly the same , leave it to mac to be clearly exhausted , scared and confused ..and be worried about hurting the other persons feelings , _well fuck_ , maybe there's something for the real jacks love of this kid after all , the display should move him to tell the truth , instead it sulfides his desire to continue to play pretend

"Were friends, _good good_ friends"

"Friends" mac repeats the word , looks back at him , and murdoc knows he's staring in that all-consuming way he does , thinks of tempering it , but mac smiles again not as big but open , and murdoc wants to devour him , _consume_ all that he is until there's nothing left of him in any plane of existence that murdoc himself hasn't touched in life or through death , dark tempting thoughts ring buzzing in his head

Instead he rises, tells mac to follow him

The boy does

The way the man ..no jack , the way jack looks at him unnerves him , he knows that name , somehow in his bones , he knows that name , knows it by the warm familiarity the very word had brought over him , but the eyes that look at him ,it's like the man want to _**consume**_ him devour him until there's no spectrum of him left that isn't his , and it scars him slightly

Makes him want to question what jack had said , that there friends , but mac knows nothing here , tries to call up sight and sound and truths that won't come , he's lost in a swirl of blankness where jack seems to know all , so if jack says there friends, well , he must be macs friend

Still he's thrown further off kilter by jacks "friendship", the man seem to have a childlike curiosity that is almost fragile , as if it's something he's not actually had before but desperately wanted , tho "mac " as he now knows his name is , could be reading the room wrong , it's unfair for him to make judgments in this moment when not 5 ago he didn't even know his own name , still small things nag at him

For one jack , touches him , _a lot_ , its small touches as they walk to jacks car together , on his arm, hand ,shoulder , they sing of friendliness and familiarity, yet at the same time it's like jack is pushing arrantly at his bounders to see what he can get away with , to see what mac will allow and what he won't ,to the point where mac questions whether they were really _just_ friends , when jack pats him on the leg in the car and then doesn't move his hand

But at the same time mac wonders if this is just the way they've always been, or maybe jack is just very worried about him, the gesture as many others did, still makes him uncomfortable, to the point he suspects jack may even be picking up on his discomfort, but he makes a face, one mac can't read, but it instantly has him feeling a bit embarrassed to be so coltish around the man

So he deflects by asking basic questions, some of the answers truly surprise him, and again he wonders what this man really is to him, but the flushed guilt rises in his cheeks again , he can't make assumptions , after all anyone would be rattled having their friend wake up from an accident not even knowing where they are or why they were there , or even who they are

So mac settles, allows the hand on his knee and asks instead where there going

murdoc starts with small things , touches mac everywhere , everywhere he's seen friends touch , but never done himself , grabs at macs hand to lead him to the car , puts a possessive hand to his shoulder as he opens the door for him , pats his knee in a gesture of good nature as they drive and leaves his hand there , every little gesture is just another way murdoc has touched him , like leaving a mark on him no one else but he can see, and murdoc is surprised at how good it actually can feel

Still every move is made with an undertone of fascination, he's pushing, knows he is , he's doing it on pursues after all , battering ever so gently at macgyvers borders to see what acts he can get away with , pushing at walls that may or may not still exist , to see what the boy will allow before he draws his line in the sand

mac never fails to fascinate him in any area,that much he knows is true , for with anyone else this would have grown dull, but the way mac carries about him, takes murdocs focus and holds it , mac is softer more open , but not gone is the smart and strong worthy opponent , even now it toes the line just under the surface , in the way murdoc touches and pushes and invades , and in the way mac allows it despite his discomfort

It's a subtle act of strength , but in a way that's what macgyver has always been, power subdued right until it isn't , speaking volumes in this moment as murdoc pushes and mac bends but doesn't cave in that same soft and graceful way , it's a tentative game between them and murdoc finds he could play it forever

When mac asks simple questions like how'd we meet " and "how long have you known me " it's a clear deflection to the former and murdoc could tell him all sorts of things, instead he says

"Meeting you was like seeing color for the first time " and it's true , in its own way, he'd been doing what he had for so long , without failure or challenge , for _sooo_ long , when macgyver had met him in that junk yard , face to face for the first time , it was like everything life had to offer had suddenly exploded in his face ,he'd been filled with renewed passion that had leached outward to bath his vision in light and sound that rippled through the world around him

It was like being asleep for a long time and suddenly being dragged back to life, and if nothing else murdoc has to give him some credit for that. The answer murdoc gives him surprises him murdoc can read that clear enough , but his boy bounces back quickly , and when mac asks where there going , murdoc honestly doesn't quite know yet

But thinks , well whats one more lie reality only has to exist if they both look at it.


	3. requium of a father like an angle

_**Summary:**_

 _"And I wish I was special_  
 _you're so fuckin' special_

 _And murdoc touches macgyvers skin with tender violence as the ironically befitting cords croon drifting in the room"_

 _Warning for jack being fussily protective, or normal .. and Murdoc being weird, or well...normal ._

* * *

Jack is absolutely furious, anyone can tell that the minuet he walks through the door, which is probably why everyone in the hallway to the war room scrambles out of his way as he strides through it, it's for everyone's best interest, jacks fury is mixed with gut eating worry, and it's a cocktail that would get anyone, and he means anyone that delayed him by even a second, exploded at ..or worse

When jack does finally make it to the war room, he gives the 3 people standing within it, absolutely, no, quarter

"What the fuck do you mean you can't find him!" "Jack" its bozer who tries in vain to calm him, but jack will have none of it, in his fear addled mind this is just as much his fault "you were supposed to be with him ! Someone, anyone should have been with him, I SHOULD have been with him , why the hell was I only called now !?"

Bozer tries to speak after that , explain , but with jacks outburst he seems lost at words ,riley chooses at that moment to..attempt to step in ,"jack we didn't do this on purpose, you know we know any mission with mac means your right there we-"

"Then again, why the hell weren't I called in, how the hell did this even happen AGAIN !"

"DALTON!" and its matty , with one word who finally regains control of the room, it takes a matter of 2 seconds for the small spaces to quite completely , only when it does , does she Continue "you weren't called in , because this wasn't an official mission , work , if you can believe it or not was actually slow today , guess some murders and terrorist are on vacation , either way , mac wanted to revisit the files on the 3 john doe cases we got the other week , bozer and riley volunteered to help him "

Jack perks at that "you mean those 3 wired ones that stumped everybody ? The one they gave to us where no one could tell how they died!?"

"Yes " riely cuts in again "they wanted mac to take a look in the first place because the body's had no defensive wounds or offensive wounds, no poison or organ damage such as heart attacks or lung failure, and yet every single one ended up dead on display somewhere clearly murdered, they thought mac might be able to find some kind of scientific explanation to help nail the guy"

Bozer perks up to add "when we got that mission in Chile 2 days latter mac had to put it to the side , when today became a work from home day , he said he wanted to just take another look at the files , this wasn't an accrual mission jack , none of us were even supposed to be leaving the office "

Jack takes a deep breath , he remembers that last time something like this happened , and it rattles him greatly to think it's happened again , and what could be happening now , still they both make a decent point , and he knows he's lashing out ,unable to help it , but that doesn't make it any less unfair , so he breaths deep , calms himself , when he asks again for the 4th time , it's in a much fared and softer tone

"Then tell me, please, what happened"

Bozer looks down right sad and a little shook at the reminder of a question "that's the scary thing jack , we don't even know for sure , we were all looking at the case each in our own way , when out of nowhere mac jumps up out of the chair , with like this look on his face you know , like the one he gets when all those wheel are turning in his head , so he jumps up and says he's realized something , something important and he has to go to where the last body was found"

"And then he just left !" riley throws in exasperated "flew out of here like the wind , bozer had to run after him , tried to tell him to call you , but mac said there was no time he had to go now , so bozer had to insist he come! He was going to go alone jack to a murder sight!"

Jack likes the sound of this less and less "what happened then?"

"By the time I had actually caught up to him to have the convo i just told you about he was in his jeep almost out of the garage , I had to jump in my car and follow him to catch up , I tried to stay behind him as much as I could but I was a few cars behind , and he didn't exactly tell me where he was going , I got caught at a red light don't think he noticed , you know how our boy can be "and bozer smiles a pained smile at that "when he's got hold of something in that head of his, when he's so focused like that he can't see anything else , light wasn't even 5 minutes , but when i tried to catch up i-god jack i just couldn't find him and -god I looked everywhere drove around for an hour , I came back here to see if he did to but.."

"When you got back he wasn't here" and jacks stomach drops into his foot at that , his heart isn't far behind..his leg perhaps..no knee , a soft but strong hand brings him back to the present

Mattys look is not pitying , but it holds the kind of compassion jack needs in that moment , the kind that is slipping through his hands like so many grains of sand , when she speaks her voice is as equally understanding but firm "jack , we are going to find him , do you hear me ? We are going to find our boy and bring him home "matty doesn't mix words, she says only what she means and means in equal measure what she says, the words are a promise

And god jack hopes so

In the end murdoc takes them back to one of his hide away, it's a cozy quaint little cabin on the out scats of town near the woods, he has many places, even here, where he slinks off to after a job well done, but just as he favors the name he carries among the so, so many he's claimed, this too is his favorite , and isn't that what you're supposed to do ? What normal people do? Go to their favorite places with their friends ?

Murdoc leads him in and once there macgyver looks around , his focus intense as he tries to find anything that will be a familiar trigger to his memories , he'll find none of cores , its why murdoc brought him here to begin with , he's not ready to give up this game yet , its proven to have too much damn potential

Murdoc lets his own focus land intensely on macgyver himself , observing the boys interaction with his own space , like some wild untamed animal , macgyver explores this new Territory with the same caution and dare murdoc say ..courtesy, macgyver is curious , still holding a pinch of that desperation to find himself or anything that will help him do so , still the boy walks slow and careful wanting so transparently to touch and get closer but not daring to in a space that belongs to him not

And again murdoc can't help but find himself impressed, the boy before him is a new creature , while being the same old one all at the same time , that same amazing self-control the boy seems to possess evident here even in this fuzzy state where murdoc had expected desperate haste

Instead mac explores the cabin like a wanderer in foreign lands unfamiliar with the culture, the need to be respectful of such unknown things moderating him

When mac turns back murdoc is met with searching eyes , the vulnerability beneath painting them the most intense blue that murdoc finds himself endearingly enchanted by it instead of revulsion , when the boy speaks it's with a voice as equally soft..and enchanting "have I - have I been here before ?" Murdoc had the lie ready on his tongue before the question was even asked

"Only twice, this place is ..one of my favorites , I've only ever cared to bring _you_ here " soo ok not a total lie , but it serves its purposes ,it speaks of trust and affectionate familiarity , but saying only twice leaves the perseverance vague enough that mac won't find feeling the place is unfamiliar well..to out of place

Mac nods slow in sad understanding , and when he turns back to take in the room once more , murdoc notices the small but matted patch of blood in macs hair , and being the opportunist that he is , murdoc is completely unwilling to pass up the new and fascinating one right in front of him

"MacGyver , you have a nasty little spot where you hit that genies little head of yours , let's get you settled and I can take care of that for you yes ?" mac is slow and unsure at the prospect , the thought of close touch still a subject of slight discomfit it seems , but murdoc is unwilling to give the ground he's gained , claws greedily at more of it , stepping closer he catches blue with black and holds them ,both filled with unnatural twinkling in the dim light of the room

"Mac, the last thing you need is an infection dear boy, let me help you, let me _..take care of you_ " and murdoc leans as close as he dares, luring the skittish being in front of him without starting him , and lets his voice drop to a sad deep whisper "were _friends_ aren't we ?" And the boys eyes soften , become so heart be-stillingly beautiful at that _"trust me "_

And mac shivers , like some long begotten instinct fills him with the knowledge that a wolf stands before him , but murdoc has no urge to nash at him with his teeth , looks in those helplessly tentative blues and thinks , no, he'd rather skin the boy with his tongue

Instead he takes mac gently by the arm , the same way he did when he lead mac to the car, and leads him to a small room right off the wood worked kitchen and sits him down in a small but comfortable chair ,tells him to relax , wait as he goes to get some things to clean and disinfect the Wound murdoc himself has given him, on his way back from under the kitchen sink , he flicks on the radio on the counter , if only for the low noise in the background to sooth the awkward way mac still squirms in the chair

Not that he minds, on any other day would find it amusing, but in this span mac is a guest in his house ,and rudeness on his part as the host is unacceptable

When he has what he needs in hand he returns to mac in the chair,and begins a slow circle to come behind him as again not to start him , but when murdoc finds himself at the boys back , he feels the rush of power he did the first time flow brutally through him to flush outward in hot warmth ,his eyes hood , become half lidded and he has to breath deep and even to control and hold back the dark predatory thoughts buzzing in his head

Alternatively , he reaches up and pulls his glove off with his teeth , he wants there skin touching for this , he's not even sure he knows why , but it's a savage sudden urge inside him that won't be denied and the words he speaks are hisses in the air as he tries to rain himself in "let me look at you "

And he puts his thumb to the base of macs neck, caresses the skin there, pushes gently but with firm insistence until the boy bows his head forward, and again murdoc has to close his eyes for a moment and breath

His fingers join his thumb , take the place of it so his whole hand is at the base of macs throat , and he slides it up slow and almost sensual into the hair at macs nape to follow through those few inches higher to the cut that mars the boys skull , and mac shivers , as the fingers find it, push the hair aside to have a better look , and mac lest out a little gasp as murdocs fingers find the edges and pull unintentionally (no really he promises ) at the dried blood around it

Still the sound goes down his spine in a pleasant little quiver,

The radio moans subdued ,but murdoc doesn't catch the song at first ,to busy , running his finger through macs hair as he pretends the wound needs more cleaning then it does , caresses the skin at the base of macs skull with skilled fingers

 _When you were here before_  
 _Couldn't look you in the eye_  
 _You're just like an angel_  
 _Your skin makes me cry_

And mac breaths deep and tries not to make these little noises that make murdoc suck air between his teeth

 _You float like a feather_  
 _In a beautiful world_  
 _And I wish I was special_  
 _You're so fuckin' special_

and when he's done , or when murdoc considers the "cleaning finally done , he says so softly in the air , but he doesn't move his hand , keeps it in the boys hair a moment longer before slowly sliding it down back to the base of the boys neck

 _Don't care if it hurts_  
 _I want to have control_  
 _I want a perfect body_  
 _I want a perfect soul_

"There now , all better " and mac gives a soft thank you , but murdoc , oh murdoc _still_ doesn't move his hand , can't yet ,instead he moves those same skilled finger over the skin under them , it's so soft so delicate , and murdoc drinks in the power singing in his veins , as he nips at the boys shoulder and collar bone with nibble fingers

And macs sighs even when he tries not to , and murdocs heart jerks in his chest ,the spell over the room hums in the air ,this new and raw intimacy thickening it , and murdoc is struck by how much satisfaction coils in his gut

"Ja-huah-jack" a soft voice drags him from his own head

"Hmmm"

"Could you -muhah could you please not to-touch me there huah "

The hand stills for a moment at the soft spot of macs throat, but he's still not quite ready to stop "my ..apologizes I'm making sure you only have the one , one more moment dear boy , that all ..I promise " the boy calms only slightly , and murdoc continues his torture of macgyvers senses and in the brief reprieve for the both of them recognizes the low groan of a song , and a smirk graces his lips

 _And I wish I was special_  
 _You're so fuckin' special_

And murdoc touches macgyvers skin with tender violence as the ironically befitting cords croon drifting in the room, a sympathetic soundtrack to the destruction of macgyvers walls

* * *

 **Notes:**

Oh murdoc , "friends" don't touch each other like that

This is the version of creep playing in the background

watch?v=U8THGNfWYh0

And this is the version i listened to actually writing this chapter, I love and support both

watch?v=axrqVfuGHh0


End file.
